song lyrics: June 2011

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

BEAUTIFUL REJECT

For the past few days I've been checking my email a lot. Mostly to see who's answered my gross Craigslist ads but also to hear back from Beautiful People.

They said it would take 48 hours so when they were late I began to freak out.

Then I realized they're probably just finding a way to tell me that not only am I accepted but I'm also their Member Of The Month and/or new Testimonial Picture.

I start worrying about how I'll juggle school with private flights to meet my beautiful rich boyfriends in Thailand. I stop seeing my friends and stay in all weekend to look at myself in the mirror. I call my ex-lovers and tell them that from now on I can't be seen with them in public. I cancel my gym membership (obvs I don't need it).

I check my email.

You're shitting me.

HOW DAARREEE YOU NOT ACCEPT ME!!!!!

Let me remind yall of the adORABLE picture I sent in of myself:

This girl looks cute, slutty and totally braindead-isn't that what Guys Want?

After smashing everything in my apartment I calm down enough to think.
There must be a reasonable answer to this:

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE REJECT CULPRITS 2011:

1) Jealous Exes
One of my ExBFs works for this company.
As soon as he sees my picture his heart breaks into a million pieces when he realizes that leaving me for that Italian Graphic Design Girl was the biggest mistake of his life. But he knows I'll never take him back now and seeing me date Beautiful Internet Men will only drive him to madness/suicide. So he denies my entrance, to save his own life. (Always was a selfish bastard).

2) Mean Girls
I didn't have any rivals in high school because nobody really knew who I was via me never being there (sorry mom). However I'm SURE there was someone out there totally jealous of my older boyfriend with a car and/or my ability to sneak off campus by flirting with the security guard (still love you, Rex). Bitch must be their CEO or something.

3) Sexist Pigs
The guys judging the pics OBVS don't like "liberated women" who wear underwear in public and have "odio tutti" on their walls.

4) Fing Racists
DUH! Just have to find out who has a thing against Croatian/American immigrants (everyone) and it will make total sense.

Till then should I send another photo? A naked one this time? Or do what I said in the first place and just take myself out of my misery.

PS- It's bc I don't have boobs, right?

Monday, June 27, 2011

festistyle

Why anyone would want to go to a music festival is completely beyond me.

Suffering the rape-y public showers and revolting new-age hippies isn't worth even doing coke with Beyonce or witnessing Ke$ha eat glitter.

For those of yall spending your American Apparel paycheck on a few hot days in Music Hell I’ve got some tips on what to wear & bring so you don’t die or whatever.

Rubber Boots:

We invented concrete for a reason-nature is totally gross.

Plus people will be peeing/vomiting everywhere so unless you want your feet covered in sick I’d suggest you cover up. (Boots will also help to hide the fact you haven’t shaved your legs in days).

Shorts:

I prefer skirts but unless you want some tie-dye wearing acid freak feeling you up in your tent while you're passed out from too much hot Corona and Ketamine Cocktail, shorts are the reasonable option. Plus if worn right you can rock some hot camel toe.

Pasties:

You’ll be taking your top off constantly.

Baby Wipes:

You'll get laid at some point (whether you like it or not) and I doubt a bidet will be handy. Just trust me on this one.

Food:

To trade for drugs.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Beautiful People

Yall know I LOVE dating sites. So you can imagine my excitement when I discovered this article on one made especially for Hotties.

The article describes how recently the site--which only allows members deemed "attractive" by other users--caught a virus which allowed a bunch of F'ing Ugly people to sign up! Obviously this was a huge disaster so as soon as he could, the owner of the site kicked off around 30,000 disgusting losers and sent an email informing them of the mistake and reminding them that they are still unattractive.

Intrigued, I figured I should give it a shot. Like, if zoo animals and faded jeans can get in, how hard can it possibly be?

I sent in a picture of myself that I think makes me look pretty sexually active/hot (my bra is showing duh)

and am awaiting their response.

If I get the Coveted Membership yall can expect some LOL posts on what "Beautiful People" are really like/how many guys ask me out. I'll also start posting some ugly/fat pictures immediately, as I've heard the site kicks off members for "letting themselves go."

And if I don't get accepted I will kill myself. Stay tuned.